Modding on the Spectrum

Before Corona I regularly visited a group where people improvise rock music at a day centre for people with mental health illnesses. We met every Thursday and, once in a month, the first Friday in a month. Someday one of the group leaders, E., denounced me in front of all members of the group because there were some people (new members) who felt disturbed by my style of playing (I play percussions, kalimba and keybord; I can only improvise as I never learned to play them correctly). He believed that I'm not good enough for the Friday group because it should be for professionals only. It was never officially said that this group is for professionals only. This Friday group grew in popularity and attracted more and more people from outside who were professionals by accident. So my style of playing didn't fit anymore (he never said this but I think he meant it that way). He wanted to create flyers stating who should come to this "professional" group. The other group leader, V.E., confirmed that E. is not content with my performance one day. It is no wonder that i no longer felt comfortable in the group. Then came Corona and this was the "ideal" time to leave the group altogether.

Yesterday, I met a member of the group, V.B., who told me that E. takes a break for several months and maybe he will leave the group after this break. There's a new group leader, M., who takes over the group in E.'s absence. Since M. is the new group leader, the atmosphere is completely different in the group (better). V.B. thinks that I could have fun again in the current group. He missed the old times and had great fun when I was part of the group. He said that I was brilliant (!) . V.B. and E. - two people with very different opinions. I want to believe V.B. but I can't forget what E. did three years ago, my brain won't let me to be precise. It still feels like it happened just yesterday. But maybe taking part in this group again is the right thing I need now to overcome my grievance. I had a lot of fun before E. turned against me so to speak and I really miss playing with the others.

At the same day I met the person from the music group I also met someone who occasionally listens to the jam sessions of the group. She offered to inquire whether E. truly leaves the group after his break. I received her reply some days ago. Yes, E. leaves the music group after his break but only the group which takes place on Thursday. He will continue to lead the "professional" Friday group. I decided to try the current Thursday group out at least after my upcoming vacation. I want to find out if I could have fun making music in this group again.

Guess who's back? E.! I was quite surprising seeing him last week. He returned from his bike tour through Europe just the week before.

Now it turns out that it is not yet entirely clear whether he will give up the Thursday group . Everything is still up in the air. We haven't seen each other for three years. I think I have improved my style of playing in the course of time and some members of the group confirmed it. He glanced at me a few times while we made music together. I don't know exactly how to interpret that. Was he surprised? Clearly, I'm a little conflicted about talking to him about it. On the other hand, I actually want to ignore him as much as possible because I can't forgive him (yet).

Today, I took part in the first jam session of the year. I wanted to come to terms with E. and talk about why I left the group three years ago. Unfortunately, E. was not there. The other leader of the group, V., told me that E. finally decided to give up the Thursday group for real. Well, we'll see.

The jam session itself was great. We harmonized wonderfully with each other.

So the case is closed for now.