The moments when you rely on the recognition from others - but don't get any

[Selene310187]

It's a self-esteem and self-worth issue since my childhood. I believe it's due to my experiences with ostracization and mobbing in school and in my two apprenticeships. The underlying reason is probably my clumsiness in social interactions in the past. I learned a lot since then that I appear "normal" in most situations. However, the "wounds" didn't heal properly and developed into a fear of rejection. Sometimes I fall back into old patterns doing short circuit reactions in many cases when this happens.

The recent example for a short circuit reaction was that I deleted an image from the image share section of Nexus Mods because nobody endorsed it. Yes, that's stupid, I know. In this moment, I irrationally linked the lack of endorsements with my self-worth/self-esteem. The same applies to the endorsements of my mods. The only difference is that it's less likely that I delete a mod when it doesn't get enough endorsements. I admit I deleted some mods in a short circuit reaction. It's very hard to break this automatism that is deeply ingrained in my mind. Well, a therapy could help. I did indeed one, yet it didn't help because I wasn't ready to change. Now, a couple of years later and many experiences richer, I'm ready.

I accepted that I don't belong to the cool kids (i.e. the popular mod authors and screen archers). Maybe I'm not that popular because I lack the skill to sell myself, to be in the center of attention, and/or it's due to my user name that doesn't sound very professional with all its numbers. I use the user name since 2006 - I didn't know any better then. I started to create mods in 2007, at the beginning for Oblivion, and, many years later, for Fallout 4 and Skyrim.

I would like to make it clear that the purpose of the thread is not fishing for endorsements, compliments or sympathy. I just want to know if some of you are in a similar situation and maybe found a way to break this cycle. Or if you have an advise how I can improve my self-esteem/self-worth. I'm all ears .

[Altbert]

I would like to give you proper advice, but honoustly I can't. Personally I'm not bothered whether or not people like my mods or guides, actually I couldn't care less! I create those mods and guides, because I like to create those. Even if just one person likes what I have created and uses it, I have reached my goal. I don't mind 100% achievements or 5 star ratings. Reasons why I never publish anything on Nexus, only AFK Mods (Skyrim SE) or the Steam Community (Oldrim).

I'm sorry to say, but I will probably never use any of your mods in my playthroughs, simply because I want to stay as close to lore as possible, the reason why I don't have a massive mod build, and preferring Goldenhills Plantation over the Hearthfire houses.

Only advice I can give you is: do not remove anything you have posted, and maybe you should even repost what you have removed. One day someone will give you an endorsement, download your mod or use your guide/help, and post a small thanks. Even if it's just one person. At that moment you have reached your first milestone! Your next milestone? Don't set it too high. Two? After that four? Oh ... and don't look at what you may have achieved every day. That may be frustrating. Wait for a month or maybe two, or until you receive a notification.

[Altbert]

By the way, you are certainly one of my most popular forum admins, with the courage to start this forum. Keep it going!

[Selene310187]

Only advice I can give you is: do not remove anything you have posted, and maybe you should even repost what you have removed. One day someone will give you an endorsement, download your mod or use your guide/help, and post a small thanks. Even if it's just one person.

You are right. But my inner critic, which I sometimes call my little monster, says it's pointless.

Hey little monster, I didn't ask you for your opinion. So, shut up.

Now, what was I saying? The removed mods/images. I plan to reupload a mod which I removed last year which was Dremora Merchant Tweak but in an expanded form:

Some subtle changes to his face, (further) bug fixing, customizable gold, the possibility to set the spell duration (planned), a more adventurous outfit, (own) MCM (planned) (Edit: I create a menu that doesn't depend on SKSE instead). It's a partial rewrite of Dremora Merchant Tweak (Edit: old and now deleted mod) but with more features and being standalone (in other words without the dependence on SESM). I will upload this new version as new mod and keep the old one for archival purposes.

source: image description of the Dremora Merchant Revised image

Some time later, I decided to expand Dremora Merchant Revised, too, which is now Better Untold Legends Rewards improving all three rewards of the Untold Legends quest.

By the way, you are certainly one of my most popular forum admins, with the courage to start this forum. Keep it going!

I never considered that angle. For me it was just a thing which I had to do. The more i think about it, it was a wake-up call that I needed, to change things in my life. You can say it was the first step of my very own "therapy".

[Altbert]

Just found a little quirck. When you were posting your last post, I was trying to post also, but probably just a fraction of a second later. I lost my post and it never got posted.

[Altbert]

Forget your little monster, he's wrong! And he always was!

[Selene310187]

Just found a little quirck. When you were posting your last post, I was trying to post also, but probably just a fraction of a second later. I lost my post and it never got posted.

That's strange. I don't know what caused it. I haven't experienced this yet.

Forget your little monster, he's wrong! And he always was!

"Look at this. He's on my side."
"Mumble, mumble, mumble." said the little monster and went back inside his box.

[Ivanhoe1955SI]

I had once created a mod that drastically changed the entire area of Solstheim Island in the game Morrowind. I also had help from a user in the forum at the time. I then decided to remove this mod after I received hardly any reactions to it and also the download numbers were bad. For years it remained quiet and now I receive requests from users who want to play it again.
So my decision remains: No matter how little attention something gets, it stays where I put it. But I don't have any problems if I don't get any feedback, because I have to like it and only secondarily the others.

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)

Spoiler

Ich hatte einmal eine Mod erstellt die das gesamte Gebiet der Insel Solstheim im Spiel Morrowind drastisch änderte. Ich hatte auch Hilfe durch eine Userin im damaligen Forum. Ich habe dann nachdem ich kaum Reaktionen dazu erhielt und auch die Downloadzahlen schlecht waren entschlossen diese Mod wieder zu erntfernen. Jahrelang blieb es ruhig und jetzt erreichen mich Nachfragen von Usern die das wieder spielen möchten.
Deshalb bleibt mein Entschluss: Egal wie wenig Aufmerksamkeit etwas erhält, es bleibt wo ich es hingepackt habe. Ich habe aber auch keine Probleme damit wenn ich keine Rückmeldungen erhalte denn es muss mir gefallen und und erst in zweiter Instanz den anderen

[Altbert]

I have also never removed any mod for classic Skyrim (Steam Workshop) and also will not remove any mod for Slyrim SE on AFK Mods. I've never created mods for Morrowind or Oblivion, and started clumsy in 2012 for classic Skyrim with the marriage mods and sometimes considered to remove those after creating my mod "Courting & Marriage". Even if a mod has only one user/subscriber and I don't use it anymore myself, it's worth it to keep it alive, and even update it.