Miscellaneous Tales and Stories

[smr1957]

Welcome to the thread! This will be a place for me to post miscellaneous stories totally unconnected with games or gaming, but which I think people may find amusing or interesting. Please DO NOT comment in this thread; if you have a comment, please post (for now, at least) in the Regular's Table thread. I anticipate posting a new one every Wednesday - though it is possible I may skip a week on occasion. NOTE - these stories, for the most part, were originally posted to my Patreon site some time ago, but I am posting them here so that more may enjoy them.

First, the necessary legal niceties:
All rights reserved. No part of these stories or any of their content may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from Steven Ross (smr1957) - NO EXCEPTIONS.'

I hope you enjoy them, and maybe get a few chuckles out of them!

[smr1957]

Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot
by Steven Ross


During the march through India, Alexander's army became seriously short of water, and none was to be found in the dry region they were in. The men were becoming desperate. One day, a soldier ran up to Alexander holding a helmet filled with water and offered it to him. Alexander promptly spilled it out.

"If my men don't drink, neither do I," he said.

To which the soldier replied "No worries, Guv, we's found a well and is -"

"Lead on!"

The army, led by Alexander, followed the soldier and eventually arrived at a small town with one rather large but rundown building, which once housed the local rat infestation and control service, dominating. But what was of greatest interest, was the well at the town center, around which a number of soldiers were gathered, standling idly and gossiping among themselves.

"Well, what are you men all waiting for?" said Alexander. "Start drawing water from the well. The men are thirsty and could use a drink."

"Well, with respecting to your person, gov, the water, it's pretty far down and -"

"So draw it up, my good man! Draw it up!"

One of the soldiers pointed to a bucket sitting atop the well.

"You see, guv, it's like this." He took the bucket and held it up for Alexander's inspection. "There ain't no -"

Just then, he was interrupted by a shout as a man ran from the large building.

"We got it! We got it!" the man cried.

"And what have you got?" asked Alexander.

"Begging your pardon, guv, it all in a knot, but no worries, we'll untie it in just a jiff." And the soldier turned and ran off.

Alexander leapt from his horse and strode after the man and into the large building. As he entered, he saw a group of soldiers gathered round an old cart tied to a post with a piece of knotted rope, which one soldier was apprently attempting to untie.

"That's Gordo, guv - well Gordian being his real name and -"

"And?"

"Well, you see guv, we been hours at, it, but Gordo now, he seems -"

"Yes, yes, get on with it now!" demanded Alexander, becoming inpatient.

"Untieing it, sir! Gordo's trying to untie the knot!"

Alexander smiled. "Is that all?" And drawing his sword, he strode over, and with one swift stroke cut the knot, the rope falling into many small pieces as he did so.

"There, you see?" said Alexander with a smile as he turned back to his men, who were all staring with shocked looks. "All easy as could be, and now you can drag the cart out there and fill it with barrels of water from the well."

The men let out a heavy sigh. One was patting Gordian on the back, who had his head in his hands and was openly weeping.

"What's this, men - let's get everyone a drink of water, load the cart with some, and go!"

"Well, guv," said the first soldier, "it's like this, that -"

Just then, one of the soldiers from outside ran in, carrying the water bucket with him.

"Hey!" he shouted, waving the bucket. "Did ya get that damn knot untied yet so we can use the rope ta tie to da bucket so as ta draw the water up?"


Well, Alexander and his army did finally make it out of the desert, though many died due to lack of water.


The moral being, don't cut the damn knot unless you're sure you won't be needing the rope.

c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

From the deserts of India and Alexander the Great, let us now turn our attention to the old American West of yore - and cowboys, gunslingers, and windy plains.

The Old West
by Steven Ross


We've all heard stories of the Old West, or read about it or saw it in the movies or on the television. The wide open spaces. The "Big Sky Country" where the rivers run cold and fresh, the air is clear, and the winds blow across the plains. The riding herd on cattle during the day and the sitting around the campfire at night, listening to the cows low, the fire crackle, and the wind moan; breathing deep the fresh air, breathing deep the unsullied atmosphere, breathing deep the -

"What was that noise - sounded like a god damn gunshot!"

"And what the hell is that smell?"

BRRRMMMMMM

"There is is again!"

"Sounds like thunder"

"Storm's comin! "

"But from where - that one was off the 'ole nother way."

BRRRRAAAAK!

"Damm! Another!"

"And what's that smell?"

"Do say the air changes when a storm be a comin."

"God damn foul smelling -"

BRHAAAABRHAAAA... bloupb

"God, that ain't no storm, it's them godintarnation beans!"

"Well, there be blazin' saddles, anywho."

"it's a ma nose that be blazing now."

"Shut up, y'all an go ta sleep!"


Well so much for the quiet evening 'round the campfire, but then there were those long days riding herd on the cattle, plenty of time to be alone with your thoughts and contemplate the -

BRAAAAP!

"Damn, what was that? My damn horse an' all them cattle nearly jumped outta their skins."

"What that you saying?"

"Weird noise, spooking ta horse and -_

BRRRRRRRMMMN

"Whooa there! There - again!"

"Yup, did hear that. Old Betty here sure did give a jump."

"Yeah, what is it? These cattle spooked near enough to run."

"Skies clear..."

"And no wind..."

"Wind - GOD DAMN, that be it!"

"What, I don't feel no wind."

"Bet it's Jed, he had the farts all last night, 'member?"

"Oh, say it ain't so!"

"I'll holler him up - "

"You do that."

"JED!! Say Jed!!!"

"What you want!"

"You's spookin' the catlle with your farts!"

"Taint no wind of mine!"

"Well taint no breeze neither!"

BRAAAAAKAKABRMMMMMMMBRRRKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

"STAMPEDE!!!!!!"


Well, at least at the end of the drive, when all was settled down and the steers delivered, there was a chance to relax and have a drink in the local Saloon. Yes, drinks, jokes, stories, and wome---

"That be a strange smell."

"Yeah I smells it too."

"Well don't look at me fellas."

And so they returned to their drinks and looked some more at the women around, and gave a smile as the women walked over.

"Hiya cowboy."

"Looking for some fun?"

"Buy a lady a drink?"

"Miss, you come - hey don't be backing away..."

"What that smell 'round you fellas?"

"EWWWWW! Daisy Lou, I think I'm a gonna gag!"

"Ginger, Jen, let's go get us some fresh air."

And so the ♡♡♡♡ walked out of the saloon to where the air blew cleaner - or, at least, where it didn't stink quite so much.

"Damn, who ruining things with them silent stinkers?"

"Yeah, cain't even hear them comin'."

"Well, don't look at me."

"Me neither."

"Well least we got our drinks - and watch out for that guy there - that's the gunslinger who shot them two over in Stinkwater Wells."

"Stink! There it is again."

The gunslinger looked over and sniffed the air.

"Maybe it's him who did the silent toot."

"Shh, Jed, he'll hear ya."

The gunslinger got up and walked over.

The cowboys looked down at their drinks

"What you cowpunchers been drinking - things smell like goddamn farts around here - and I won't have it when I'm having a drink."

"Sorry, but it taint us."

"Yeah, begging your pardon."

"No siree bob, twasn't us."

"Well make sure it don't happen again! Damn disgusting - plus chasing all the women away."
And the gunslinger turned and started to walk away - and then froze in midstep

"Jed, there be that stink again."

"Well it aint me."

"Me neither, boys."

Without turning around, the gunlinger declared -
"Well I smells it right enough, and if you can't stop it, then I will."
and he started to walk away again

"Hey Jed, Norm, know what they say?"

"No, Bill, what's that?"

"He who smelt it dealt it. HAHAHAHAH!"

"I HEARD THAT!"
And the gunslinger spun around and shot the cowpokes dead - thus giving birth to the term silent but deadly. Then, tossing some coins on the bar, the gunslinger walked out of the saloon, mounted his horse and rode out of town, passing a little boy and his mother as he did so.

"Ma?"

"sssh, Joey, not now!"

Soon the gunslinger disappeared in the distance.

"I just wanted ta ask ma..."

"What, Joey?"

"What was that terrible smell as that fella rode by?"

"I know, it's a shame. Must have been something he fed his horse."


So much for the Old West and the wide open spaces.
And speaking of wide open, can someone please open them windows?


c Steven Ross

[Avrie]

LMAO Of course we deal with that every day at the inn

[smr1957]

William Shakespeare - A True Story
by Steven Ross

William Shakespeare is the greatest of all English language writers. But where did he get his ideas from? Well, let us look in upon him having a few drinks with a friend and find out.


"To write or not to write - that is the question."
"May as well ask to buy or not to buy - THAT'S the question, Will"
"Ah, forsooth, the drink's the thing!"
"But whose turn to buy, tis the question."
"Tis this a cup I see before me?"
"Tis an empty one, me thinks."
"Forsooth! That will not do!"
"Indeed it shall not!"
"Well, I can call spirits..."
"A wench with some will do."
"...from the tavern's vasty deeps!"
"So can I, so can any man."
"But will they come when you do call?"
"Let us hail and see how the wind blows."
"Ill blows the wind that profits nobody."
"'cepting our good innkeeper here, Will!"
"Yet all that glisters is not gold."
"'lest it be mead in thine cups."
"Alas, none be in mine."
"Nor in mine."
"Wench, Wench! A kingdom for a wench!"
"There be the tavernkeep, how like a fawning publican he looks!"
"Or the portrait of a blinking idiot."
"Tis a wise father that knows his own child."
"Wench, waiters, bartenders! Lend me your ears!"
"Ah, they doth cometh now!"
"Where? I doth not see - why, how ill this taper burns."
"Lookith you at that candle, when our cups they be empty?"
"They shouldeth runneth over!"
"And thou shouldeth write a play, Will."
"The plays the thing!"
"About true love!"
"A boy and his dog!"
"Let slip the dogs..."
"Richard and -"
"...of war!"
"June."
"What? A ♡♡♡♡ tis it?"
"A rose by any other name..."
"Tis not sweet."
"Oh. Er, Rome..."
"Eow...no."
"Juli..."
"E...et, where be our drinks?"
"Oh, what slings and arrows of outrageous fortune doth we suffer."
"Our empty cups do we suffer now."
"Tis the winter of our discontent."
"Hark! Here be the wench with the jugs!"
"Once more unto the mead, my friend!"
"And be merry and drink to... what twas the name?"
"Ah, twas...twas... twas Rosencranz and Guilderstein!"
"Still sucks, Will. But, drink and be merry!"
"For time be fleeting!"
"And I be fleeing - for me thinkest I am about to pass out."
"Tis but a stage."
"Which me thinks tis time to leave."
"And we but payers."
"O fellow! Here be a pound!"
"Liketh a piece of flesh doth thou tear from our breast!"
"And leave us bereft of all but our drinks."
"All's well that ends well!"
"And for us both, off to home, bed, sleep."
"Perchance to dream."
"Good night, good night!"
"Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night til it be the morrow."

And so, a short while later, having gulped down their drinks, they stumbled out of the inn. The next day, Will started writing his new play - but since he could not remember what he had decided to call it, just that it was about love, he named it Romeo and Juliet, instead. And, despite the fact that it was not about a boy and his dog, it still became the most famous love story of all time. As for a boy and his dog, that would have to wait some centuries when it would be filmed as a science fiction movie - a different sort of love story altogether.

c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

Well, now that the US Congress has finished their inquiries into the January 6 issues and released their conclusions, there was one little snippet of information that may have slipped under the radar - so here it is.

Election Night, 2021
by Steven Ross


In a darkened room at a local ballot counting location, a shadowy figure is seen bending over a box of what appears to be uncounted ballots, doing some mysterious work in the middle of the night. Suddenly, a door can be heard opening, and the figure makes a hurried exit through a rear door - only to be replaced at that same box of ballots by another shadowy figure, who can now be seen to be also bending over that same box.

What are they doing? What can they be up to in the middle of the night? And, even more important, who are they and why are they there?


A door slams. Footsteps can be heard running up the stairs. A man - out of breath - enters a room. Suddenly, a light is turned on and a female's voice speaks out.

"Joe? Is that you Joe? Where have you been, on this night of all nights? And why is there ink on your hands?

"Ink? What ink? Oh, just a leaky sharpie - nothing to worry about, Jill. And just out to get some coffee, it wasn't like I was out marking ballots or anything. Nope! Not at all."

"Well come to bed, we've had a busy day today, what with the election and all."

"Yes, Jill."


And, in another house, another door slams, and again footsteps are heard running up the stairs and a man - also out of breath - tries to quietly enter a room. And, again a light is switched on. And, again, a female's voice speaks out.

"Donald? Donald J. Trump! Where have you been now - on this of all nights!"

"Uh, Melania, still up at this hour? Ummm, nowhere, I was nowhere, just out getting some coffee."

"And I suppose that is coffee stains on your shirt?"

"Eh, no, just a leaking sharpie, is all."

"Well come to bed, we've had a busy day today, with the election and all."

"Yes, Melania."


The next day, at the ballot counting location.

"Say, Bill? What do you want me to do with these?"

"What's that?"

"You know, the sample ballots we had printed up so people will see what choices they have - you know, the ones marked John Doe Democrat and John Doe Republican?"

"Just dump them out - don't need 'em now the election's done."

"Funny - seems like someone's been at 'em marking 'em all up wit sharpies or something."

"No matter now the election's over. Just give 'em a toss - not like they was real ballots, anyway."


So, in the words of the late Walter Cronkite - “And that’s the way it is.”


c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

Ever wonder about the origin of certain words, or how some foods came by their names? Well, today I am going to delve into one food - a condiment actually, and how it came by the name we now know it by. And every bit of it true! (I swear it, I do!)

Catsup - The True Story
by Steven Ross

The word catsup actually goes way back to when Hong Kong first came under British rule. Back then, of course, the British were first getting acquainted with Chinese cuisine, and, of course, the word on the street was that the meat was really from cats - not to mention who knew what else was in it.


"Gar! what's this then?" poking at the dish of food.

"'Ere now, think it must be some of that cat them buggers use."

"What?! Cat? I ain't eatin' no cat!"

"Just dump some this sauce on it, is all."

"What's that, looks like some damn fool sliced there 'and or somthin!"

"Just pour it on and give it a try."

"Say, ain't 'alf bad!"


Well, of course, from then on, whenever some meat was put before them, they would, of course ask for the sauce. Eventually, they just started saying "Cat's up!" whenever they were served a meat dish - and everyone knew what it meant, and would hand them the sauce. So, after a while, the sauce itself became known as catsup - even when it was no longer used for suspect meats.



"Say, got some of that catsup?"

"Sure thing, gov - 'ere's a bottle right 'ere - knock yourself out!"

"Thanks, matey!"


Pretty simple, really - but then, how did it turn into ketchup?
Well, that's another part of the story. Now most supllies were delivered by a ketch - a two masted boat. Now, ketch is also derived from the word catch (from a term dating back to the late 1400's), and it became common to exclaim "Here's the ketch with the catsup! Better catch some 'fore they all be out!"


Soon, people began referring to catsup as ketchup - especially as it no longer was an item only used on certain meats of suspicious origin. So, while now, the word catsup is still used, it has been large surplanted by ketchup.


Just an interesting story to regale your friends with at your next barbecue when flipping the burgers. (And, no, we are not going to get into where the term "flipping the burgers" comes from - well, at least not today!)


Here's looking at you!

And remember, what's sauce for the goose is catsup for the - well, whatever it is that you're serving..."Cat's up!")


c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

Johnny Appleseed
By Steven Ross

We have all heard of how John Chapman - better known as Johnny Appleseed - travelled the American land planting apple seeds, thus promulgating and introducing the apple to much of the northeastern American continent - but how many actually know the story behind that and how it all came about? Well, here it is.


"Hey Johnny, what you be doing?" asked Samuel, entering the barn where John stood sorting through some sacks of seed - Samuel being one of John Chapman's closest friends and drinking buddy.

"Just having a smoke here of some of me own fine homegrown whilst sorting me seeds - pumkins there, apples here, and this bag be the weed. Want some?"

"Sure thing!"

Johnny passed the spliff over

"Wow! This be rad, Johnny!

"Yeah, it be a righteous blunt indeed!"

Johnny and Samuel sat down and leaned against the barn wall, where they sat together, taking turns at taking tokes.

After some time, Samuel spoke.

"You know Johnny, it be a shame more folks they can't be having the pleasures of this fine herb!"

"Indeed, Sam! Indeed! I oft be thinking on the same, meself."

"Why not ye sell some at ye olde local farmer's mart?"

Johnny just shook his head no.

"Samuel," he said, " this be too good and fine a thing to be charging people for - tis not be christian like to deprive people of the wondrous benefit of this exceptional and groovy plant. No, I have meself thought long and hard, and just today have come upon the solution!"

"Huh, John? Speak please in shorter sentences - tis hard for me to follow when I be as elevated as I now be!"

Standing up in a shot, and nearly falling over on his face, Johnny declared -

"No! I shall not sell them! I shall plant them!"

"Huh?"

"I shall travel the land! Yes! Shall travel and plant wheresoever I pass, for all to enjoy!"

"Eh, say what?"

"Tis be wonderful, Sam! Splendid, marvelous, er...er..." a snap of his fingers " - an excellent adventure!"

Johnny dashed over and grabbed a bag of seeds from one of the many sacks piled and stacked in the barn corner.

'Johnny..."

"I shall be famous!"

"Er, John...

"I will be known!"

"Um, er, John... "

"Forever afterwards people shall talk of me!"

"You gots the..."

"Me...Johnny Happyweed!" And with that, Johnny was out the door.

" ...wrong bag."

With a sigh, Samuel leaned back to smoke the rest of the doob, and Johnny ran on and so into legend.


c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel
by Steven Ross


We all know about that glorious work of art, the Sistine Chapel, and how Michelangelo labored for four years to complete it, during which time he suffered many interruptions and distractions. One day, sometime during the third year, the Pope (who had commisioned Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the chapel) came to visit and check up on the progress. As he walked in, he spied Michelangelo engaged in a heated argument with another gentleman.


"Mikey, me boy!" said the Pope. "How she be going taday? Still na even half way done, I sees."

"Hello Pope. Sorry, you see -"

"This man is a fool, a buffoon," shouted the gentleman. "All my tools, he uses them wrong!"

The Pope looked at Michelangelo.

"Mikey - who the bezjesus is this guy?"

"Well, Pope, you see -"

"Who am I? I am the one who makes the tools for this here nit wit!"

The Pope looked at Michelangelo, raised an eyebrow, and said, "The tools, Mikey? What this giff be speaking of?"

"Er, Pope, you see, he makes -"

"I make the brushes, I supply the paint, I made the scaffold so this monkey he can reach the ceiling!"

"Mikey?"

"If not for me, this boob would not be even painting!"

"Yes, Pope?

"And he does it all wrong. I tell him that he uses all the tools wrong and he refuses to listen." The gentleman stamped around in a huff muttering imprecations about how Michelangelo knew nothing of the proper use of his tools and how to paint.

"Ye gots all the scaffolds ye need?"

"Yes Pope."

"Ye gots all the brushes ye need?"

"Yes Pope."

"And do ye have all the paint ye be needing?"

"Yes Pope."

"Then what in the name of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph do we be needing this here pudknocker for!" And turning to the Swiss Guard, he ordered them to take the gentleman away.

As they dragged him off, the gentleman screamed : "Don't you know who am! Don't you know?! I am - "

"Yeah, you're first in line for the auto de fé tomorrow," said the Pope, as he left Michelangelo to his work.


A year later - without further interruption - the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was finished. It's depiction of Adam reaching to touch the outstretched hand of God, one of the most Iconic scenes in all of art.


The moral of the story being, a person may make the best tools there are, but they're still nothing but the damn toolmaker. It's the artist who actually creates the art.


c Steven Ross

[smr1957]

Veni, Vidi, Vici! Caesar and the Conquest of Gaul
by Steven Ross

Today we travel back in time, to the Glory that was Rome!
We are all familiar with the story of Caesar's conquest of Gaul, the epic siege of Alesia, and his famous words - "Veni, Vidi, Vici" or "I Came, I Saw, I Conquered!" Er, not quite...


"Caesar, the Senate would like a report on your conquest of - "

"My conquest - yes - just pass me another jug of that" bruup! "fine Falernian wine."

"Here, Caesar."

"Now which conquest?"

"Of - "

"Well let me tell of my hardest one..." Hic "...one."

"Yes Caesar."

"It waa this fine gal - a beauty she was."

"Er, Caesar - I don't think that was..."

"Just be quiet and write this all down, you can fix it up later - you always do." Hic!

"Yes Caesar."

"Now what was her name? Alesia or somethin? Umm....yeah...umm - " HIC!

"If you say so, Caesar."

"That took a bit but finally won er over."

"Yes, Caesar."

"Shee put up a stoung resisistance..."

"Yes, Caesar."

"But" HIC! "I laid seige..."

"Yes, Caesar."

"And after a long, hard fought - " HIC! "battle - "

"Yes, Caesar."

"I con... con... con..." Braaagh, HIC! "conquered."

"Yes, Caesar."

"So you can take that back to...to...to..."

"The Senate, Caesar."

"And you can tell them..." HIC!

"Yes, Caesar?"

HIC! "What can I say but vidi, vici, veni!" HIC!

"I saw, I conquered, I came, Caesar?"

"You too?" HIC!

"Er, no Caesar, you - "

"Damn straight! WHOOPS!"

"Centurian! Get in here!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Help Caesar up, please."

"Right on it, sir."

"HAAA HA HAAA HA HA! Tell the Senate...tell the..."

"Yes, Caesar?"

"about the conquest of ... of..."

"Gaul, Caesar?"

"That gal...Alesia!"

"Sigh...Anything else Caesar?"

"Tell them...tell them - waa I saaid 'efore..."

"Yes, Caesar."

"Vidi, Vici, Veni!" BRAAG HIC BAAAAARFFF!!!

"Don't worry sir, I'll clean it up."

"Thanks, Centurian. And put him to bed while I write this down."

"Will do, sir."

"I saw, I conquered, I came - more like I saw, I drank, I barfed, if you ask me."

"Yes, sir."



Some time later, back in Rome.

"What's the name of that scroll?"

"The Conquest of Gaul, Senator."

"So he won the battle of the Siege of Alesia and conquered the Gauls."

"Yes, Senator."

"And did he have any special message for us? Any words for the Senate's ears?"

"Yes, Senator. He said, 'tell the Senate, Veni, Vidi, Vici!'"

"I came, I saw, I conquered! Good ole Caesar!"

"Yes, Senator."

"Umm. Has a good ring to it doesn't it?"

"Yes, Senator."


Veni, Vidi, Vici, indeed.


Or, as Caesar would say, "Certe!"

"Whoops!" HIC! BAAAAAAARFFF!

"Not again, Caesar!"


c Steven Ross